Introspective Laryngitis

It’s been over a year since I posted anything here, and I don’t really know why. I’m certainly not any less introspective (or bat shit crazy). My life hasn’t suddenly become shitshow-less. If anything, you’d think a global pandemic would be perfect fodder for my musings. Yet while other creatives flourished, as evidenced by the onslaught of wildly entertaining TikToks, memes and comedy bits, my creativity hit a brick.fucking.wall. Was it the lack of social events and travel that deprived me of engaging material? Or the seemingly unscalable mountain called virtually schooling two elementary schoolers? Was it the isolation of working from home at a job with unparalleled stress? Or was it worrying that trying to work out some very strong yet very unexpected feelings in a blog post could drive away the only person I’ve spent time with since this whole creativity-killer started? I’m going with (E) all of the above.

Still, it’s curious. Other than the obvious risk of option (D) (that’s punny), writing has always proved the best vehicle for me to process my thoughts. Perhaps the depth of it all was too treacherous to traverse, the uncertainty of every aspect of my life grossly exaggerated by the endless unpredictability of quarantine. Maybe it was the harsher eye I started viewing my writing with after enrolling in an online seminar ironically selected to inspire more discipline and creativity in my writing. Or maybe I was just fucking scared and tired, and knew that complaining publicly would do nothing but add to the collective shit stew the world was already wading knee-deep through daily. I mean, I tried. I read a lot about the writing process. I listened to podcasts about writing. I even started several posts during that time, scribbling notes in a journal or popping on my phone or laptop to jot down some ideas. But each time, I struggled to find a point in any of my stories. I had no comedic relief to share, no questionably useful advice to impart. I had nothing to offer anyone who might have looked here for a distraction from the dumpster fire that was 2020 (well, a different kind of dumpster fire anyway). I felt stymied. Stagnant. Creatively paralyzed by the monotony my life had become.

So frankly, I’m somewhat dumbfounded I was finally was able to publish this. If anything, my life has become even more stressful, carrying some of the weight for 2 dear colleagues currently on extended leave, heartbreakingly watching my 11 year old struggle in ways I never imagined, and shouldering 95% of the fallout from that struggle as yet another custody change has left me without even one day a week to just sleep in. Oh, and I haven’t gotten laid in a reaaaaally long time. I’m exhausted, stressed, and immeasurably dick-deprived. Yet here I am – alive, employed and healthy, minus a case of some introspective laryngitis which hopefully is on the mend.

7 thoughts on “Introspective Laryngitis

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  1. Glad you’re back Kat! Sometimes your writing may not a touch of comedy to reach people who could be dealing with similar issues. Write what your heart is leading you to express. Always enjoy what you share. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Welcome back. The last 12 months have been a shitshow with each of us all dealing with fear and doubt (of ourselves, others, life, reason, everything) in ways no one could have expected. That we’re here at all, still struggling to move forward has to be positive, to mean something. Maybe I’m just a ridiculous optimist about it but the alternative is too dark to contemplate.

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  3. Well, your writing is still magnificent. Your words convery preciseness which I always enjoy. I have a bunch of comments, but the thing that most hit me was the effect on your kids. Your writing has always conveyed your unconditional love and absolute adoration for them. I am sure it is difficult beyond my comprehension for them, and for you to worry about them. I wish you all the best. Have you suggested that they do their own writing to help them process their fears, thoughts, etc.?

    This is where I’ll tell myself to shut up because obviously you know what’s best for them. Anyway, it was nice to read your thoughtful and introspective words again. Hopefully, we can all be reasonably free from our prisons by the end of the year.

    Don’t beat yourself up on the lack of posting. I’m sure this pandemic’s longevity is starting to affect the strongest, most independent and usually resilient of us all in ways we’re not even able to comprehend. Ironically, the isolation that has institutionalized us is preventing us from doing any proper self diagnosis. At least, I think that’s the case for me. I have noted unusual manifestations of the isolation in recent weeks, even as the idea of what was normal seems to become more and more of a fictional memory.

    Personally, I think that perhaps even more than the fact it’s nearing a year for me of sheltering place (March 8th), I think the realization that the anniversary was approaching started to mess with my head. The very concept of it nearly being a year is just starting to pulled on the frayed ends of sanity. The photo memories on my phone from “this date last year” still portray happy times, but I realize very soon they will reflect scenes that speak to the early stages of the pandemic when there was so much confusion and lack of information and scrambling to figure out how to help my parents stay safe and healthy.

    Wait. How did this comment section transition into being about me? HA HA See, this is one of those manifestations. I meant to try to reassure you and started babbling because this comment box seemed like human interaction with an interesting, intelligent and caring person. Silly me.

    Stay strong. I still think you’re an amazing role model and pillar of strength for your daughters. They will prosper from your strength and resilience and determination. You will all rebound wonderfully. Of that, I am quite sure.

    Liked by 1 person

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